The Hopcone

Beer Judge Reaches Pretentiousness Peak, Lists 'Notes of Bergamot' in Over Twenty Tasting Notes

PORTLAND, ME—In a shocking display of audacious taste buds, a beer judge at a local beer festival reached new heights of pretentiousness by insisting on…

Jun 5, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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April 2023

Brewer Wants Out, Stashes Five Golden Tickets in Succession Search

DETROIT, MI—A local craft brewer has announced a bold exit strategy: he's hiding a golden ticket in five random beer cans to find a successor willing to…

Apr 26, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

Coffeehouse Claims to Pioneer "Fifth Wave" Coffee, Whatever That Means

AUSTIN, TX—Move over third and fourth waves of coffee, there’s a new wave in town.

Apr 20, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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Husband and Wife Sue Brewery, Claim Inattentive Parenting a Protected Class

WOODFIN, NC—A husband and wife have filed a lawsuit against a local brewery claiming they faced discrimination due to their inattentive parenting.

Apr 12, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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Craft Brewery Announces Revolutionary Collab with Ghost of Benjamin Franklin

PHILADELPHIA, PA—A local brewery claims to have brewed their latest beer in collaboration with the ghost of Benjamin Franklin, dubbing it…

Apr 6, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

Barista Faces Anger Management Following Patron's Incessant Mispronunciation of "Cortado"

BROOKLYN, NY—In a bizarre turn of events, a local barista is being forced to complete an anger management course in response to his outbursts regarding…

Apr 4, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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March 2023

Local Woman Astonishes Loved Ones By Calling Craft Beer Drinking Her "Hobby"

ALBANY, NY—In a move that’s left her family and friends astonished, local woman Ashleigh Hudson has declared that she considers drinking craft beer her…

Mar 28, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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Winery Sues Local Cat Lady For Infringing On Their Wine's Aroma

TOPPENISH, WA—Wampus Hill, a winery in the Rattlesnake Hills region, is taking legal action against a local cat lady, claiming her odor is infringing on…

Mar 20, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

Craft Brewer Develops Beer Indistinguishable From Water

SOLANA BEACH, CA—In an effort to position themselves at the apex of the healthy beer craze, a brewery in southern California has crafted a beer they…

Mar 7, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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February 2023

Brewery Introduces Beer That Cures All Ailments Except Regret

BURLINGTON, VT—A local brewery announced the launch of a new beer on Sunday, Panacea Pilsner, which they claim cures any ailment, disease, or malady…

Feb 28, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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Craft Brewer Introduces New "Farm-to-Pint" Beer, Made With 100% Authentic Sweat And Tears

TEMPE, AZ—A local craft brewery is making waves in the beer world with its latest offering: a "farm-to-pint" ale made with 100% authentic sweat and…

Feb 25, 2023 • 

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Expecting Restaurants To Stock It, Man Continues to Order Busch Light

NEW PRAGUE, MN—Frustrated by years of embarrassment, friends and family of Taylor Sheer, 32, reported Tuesday that he attempts ordering the same light…

Feb 16, 2023 • 

Ryan Salsman

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