Brewery Introduces Beer That Cures All Ailments Except Regret
BURLINGTON, VT—A local brewery announced the launch of a new beer on Sunday, Panacea Pilsner, which they claim cures any ailment, disease, or malady with the exception of regret. “It’s taken a lot of work and a ton of late nights to stumble on this formulation. It’s an exciting moment for me as a brewer and for humanity as a whole. I only regret that I couldn’t figure it out sooner,” said Joseph Sangrove, recently divorced owner and head brewer of Octiron Libations, adding that he “could’ve really saved my marriage if I found this recipe a few months ago.”
While not officially recognized by the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it’s estimated that every adult in the United States suffers from some form of regret. “I was excited! I knew Joseph has been working on something crazy. It’s a shame it won’t take away the feelings I have about not taking that job in Denver, but my shin splints have disappeared,” said Stacy Wisenhunt, a regular at Octiron.
During a visit to the taproom hours before launch, workers were seen hanging signs reading “Panacea Pilsner: It Cures All That Ales Ya” above disclaimers stating the disease curing effectiveness of the beer are not guaranteed and not a replacement for professional medical advice. Critics claim that Sangrove is a selling modern day snake oil in an effort to turn his failed marriage into something worthwhile. As of this writing, Sangrove wistfully denies these claims.