Area Man Can't Stop Pointing Out Dirty Glasses
LAKEVILLE, MN–Area resident Landon Freed refuses to stop pointing out dirty glasses, a habit that is straining his relationships and causing annoyance at nearly every establishment he visits. “It’s like these people have never taken a Certified Beer Server course,” Freed told reporters Monday while waiting for his cheesy tater tot appetizer at his favorite local restaurant that “usually cleans it’s glasses pretty well.”
“I don’t remember the last time we went somewhere that he didn’t make a comment about his dirty glass” said Michael Stevens, a friend of Freed. “He’s explained it to me so many times before that I just ignore him now, I guess it has to do with bubbles in the glass, but he also complains when his beer is flat so I am not sure what he’s looking for. I know he’s unhappy he didn’t get a promotion at work, that’s probably what’s going on.”
When asked how he knows a beer glass is dirty, Freed blathers on about “head retention,” “lacing effect,” “minor impurities,” “effervescent cascade,” and “pleasing mouthfeel.” According to Jonathon Harmon, a friend and coworker of Freed’s at a local software company, Green doesn’t seem to have any hobbies outside of scrolling through Facebook groups and posting comments on every dirty glass he finds. “It’s become somewhat of an identity for him. The way he talks about it almost seems like there is some sort of club devoted to this. I’m worried about him.”