PORTLAND, ME—In a shocking display of audacious taste buds, a beer judge at a local beer festival reached new heights of pretentiousness by insisting on including 'notes of bergamot' in over twenty of his tasting notes. The judge's eccentricity quickly became the talk of the event, leaving fellow judges and brewers dumbfounded.

One of the bewildered judges, speaking anonymously, confessed, "I've been judging beer for over a decade, and I've never even heard of bergamot, let alone detected it in a beer." The judge's statement echoed the sentiments of others, who found the inclusion of such a specific and uncommon flavor note to be nothing short of perplexing.

Adding to the incredulity, another judge shared, "None of the other judges mentioned bergamot even once. This particular judge was on another planet, entirely." The absence of any bergamot references from the remaining judges only heightened suspicions surrounding the self-proclaimed citrus connoisseur.

When confronted about the peculiar obsession, the judge in question offered a cryptic response. "Well, I've always had a keen interest in citrus fruits, you know. Recently, I may have stumbled upon some fascinating information while perusing the Wikipedia page on citrus. For instance, did you know that all citrus fruits are hybrids of three ancestral varieties? The appearance of bergamot in so many beers is just a happy coincidence, really," the judge hinted, further fueling speculations of an overly zealous internet research session.

Despite this flamboyant display of pretentiousness, brewers are taking it in stride. Some have even embraced the challenge, planning limited edition beers infused with actual bergamot and other obscure citrus fruits. One brewer issued her own challenge, saying, "I think he's full of it, to be honest. But if he's actually that great, he'll have his work cut out for him next time. Maybe we'll use bergamot, maybe we won't!"

DETROIT, MI—A local craft brewer has announced a bold exit strategy: he's hiding a golden ticket in five random beer cans to find a successor willing to take the reins. “I want to give it all away. Preferably to someone young and not afraid to take on a lot of debt,” said Bill Bucket, the 47-year-old owner of Morningside Brewing.

It’s a move that has Motor City residents frothing with excitement. Some have gone to absurd lengths, buying entire pallets of Morningside beer in the hopes of securing an elusive ticket. “I think it’s in their Chocolate Brown Ale. That’s most of what I’m buying. But who knows, nobody’s found one yet,” said Michael Stream, a craft beer enthusiast and regular at Morningside.

The fact that all five golden tickets remain hidden has skeptics weighing in. "This is clearly a desperate attempt to inject cash into a struggling business," said craft beer blogger Rachel Green. "It's like something out of a bad movie." The story has gone viral with the hashtags #MorningsideGold and #MorningFraud trending on Twitter.

Despite the criticism, Bucket remains steadfast in his quest to find a successor. “It’s a win-win situation,” he said. “It may seem like a sinking ship to me, but someone naive enough might enjoy the challenge.”

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AUSTIN, TX—Move over third and fourth waves of coffee, there’s a new wave in town. And it’s taking the concept of sustainability and community to the next level. A local coffeehouse claims to pioneer a “fifth wave” of coffee, with a characteristic that’s making waves of its own.

“The fifth wave is marked by a concept I call ‘post-coffee’,” said Daniel Garcia, the 33-year-old owner of Lady Bird Roastery. “Literally we’re harvesting leftover coffee and repurposing it into the next day’s brew.” Garcia claims this is a logical evolution of the sustainability objectives of coffee’s fourth wave and their practices can reduce the carbon emissions of a batch of coffee by nearly 100%.

To achieve those objectives, patrons of Lady Bird are urged to dump the remnants of their drinks into a collection tank. Donations are also accepted from homeowners and businesses that have coffee left in their pots at the end of the day. This coffee and cream slurry is filtered into a holding tank where it’s reused as the next day’s brew. “Every day is a new experience,” says Alexa Grossback, a 25-year-old software developer who visits every morning on her way to work. “Sometimes it can be off-putting. But the days it’s not—it’s lovely.”

But the response on social media could be a breakwater for Garcia’s burgeoning fifth wave. "I've heard of farm-to-table, but this is more like trash-to-cup,” said Greg Smith (@gregsmith12) on Twitter. “I guarantee there is worse than backwash in there,” said Amie Faylen (@amiefayfay).

Responding to the concerns of the public, Garcia offers assurances. “We uphold the highest standard of quality for recycled beverages. While we can’t guarantee exactly what is in each cup of coffee every day, our customers' health and safety is one of our primary concerns. Ingesting unknown substances— that are highly sustainable—is a small sacrifice to safeguard the future of coffee for a younger generation.”

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WOODFIN, NC—A husband and wife have filed a lawsuit against a local brewery claiming they faced discrimination due to their inattentive parenting. The couple, who regularly bring their two young children to the brewery and then fail to keep an eye on them, argue their careless parenting qualifies them as a protected class.

According to the couple's lawyer, "Our clients have a right to enjoy a Milkshake IPA and let their children run wild without fear of judgment or harassment. We intend to prove that negligent parenting is a protected class and that any attempt to curtail their children's rowdiness is a violation of their rights."

The lawsuit alleges that the brewery creates a hostile environment due to signs that ask parents to “please watch your children” and “don’t let them play in the river.”

Many patrons disagree with the couple, however. “I come to the brewery to relax. Those people treat breweries like a day care,” said one regular. “They shouldn’t be allowed here if they can’t handle their kids. As someone who chooses to not have children, I have rights too. I should be able to drink my Imperial Cinnamon Toast Stout as an adult, without fear of a little brat knocking it over.”

These opposing sentiments have put the brewery in the eye of a social media firestorm. “Being a bad parent is a protected class? Those people should stay on the playground where they belong,” said one comment that reached over 1000 Like, Love, or Haha reactions. But the most divisive comment garnered equal parts Like and Love reactions as Angry ones, "If you don’t want to help me watch my kids, stay home. Breweries are family-friendly now. We’re not going anywhere.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA—A local brewery claims to have brewed their latest beer in collaboration with the ghost of Benjamin Franklin, dubbing it "revolutionary."

Arnold Johnson, the 35-year-old owner of Liberty Libations, got the idea for the beer while on a ghostly walking tour of Philadelphia. "We were walking through the Old City when the tour guide said that the ghost of Benjamin Franklin still roamed the streets. At first, I wondered why he’d still be doing that, but then I thought that we could brew a kick-ass beer together."

The beer, named Ben's Best Brown, was the result of many late-night conversations with the apparition. "He really knows his stuff when it comes to beer," Johnson said. "The pilot batch was quick, but it was hard to get his tasting notes, obviously. We spent a ton of time on the can, though. He really has an eye for design." The label features Franklin winking and pointing, accompanied by his trademark bifocals and fur cap. The slogan of the beer reads "Revolutionary Taste for a Revolutionary Spirit" and is subtitled with the quip “Founding Father? More like Founding Fermenter!”

This isn’t the first time craft breweries have collaborated to bring old recipes to life. Dogfish Head in Delaware released several “ancient ales” in collaboration with molecular archeologist Dr. Patrick McGovern, Off Color in Illinois partnered with the Chicago Field Museum to uncover a Chinese beer from 1200 BC, and Avery Brewing in Colorado has an “ales of antiquity” program, one of the latest being a collaboration with the Smithsonian Institution for another founding father: George Washington.

While Johnson acknowledges that extensive research was put into those collaborations, he thinks it was easier to collaborate with Franklin directly. "The amount of research those dudes did was crazy. I respect that. It was way easier to just ask him what he thought the beer should taste like." When reporters mentioned that this was the first-known beer brewed in collaboration with someone outside of the corporeal realm, Johnson replied, "That's sick. I can't wait to tell Ben!"

BROOKLYN, NY—In a bizarre turn of events, a local barista is being forced to complete an anger management course in response to his outbursts regarding a customer’s mispronunciation of the word “Cortado.”

“I’ll be attending the class, but I think people deserve to know what happened,” said Abraham Brown, a 32-year-old barista at Arbor Gold Coffeeworks, when asked about the interaction. “This guy comes in and orders a ‘Cortado.’ Except he says it ‘kor-ta-do’ instead of ‘kr-ta-do’. I wanted to clarify, so I said, ‘I’m sorry, did you say a Cortado?’ Of course, he said ‘yep.’ But that wasn’t what he said at all. I corrected him—politely—that it was actually pronounced ‘kr-ta-do’, not ‘kor-ta-do’. His response is what set me off. He said, ‘Sorry, sir, I honestly don’t even know what you’re talking about.’ Maybe I overreacted, but how am I supposed to respond to that?”

Eyewitnesses during the altercation confirmed Brown’s recounting of the event. “I was in line behind the guy,” said one customer. “I thought the barista was going to climb over the counter. I’ve never seen anyone snap like that. Honestly, I’m still not sure how the guy mispronounced ‘Cortado’. Am I saying it wrong too?”

A spokesperson for Arbor Gold issued a statement saying that they “want to use this opportunity to raise awareness for the mental health of baristas” and that they “support customers ordering beverages in whatever manner they like.”

While Brown has stated he is remorseful of his actions, he differs from the café’s official response. "If someone can't be bothered to learn the correct pronunciation of a drink, they don't deserve to drink it. It's a matter of principle."

ALBANY, NY—In a move that’s left her family and friends astonished, local woman Ashleigh Hudson has declared that she considers drinking craft beer her favorite pastime, sources confirmed Monday.

"I always thought it was something she did for fun," said her sister, Emily. "But when she started referring to it as her hobby, I was appalled. I didn't think drinking could be considered a hobby, but I guess it can be. I’ve gone out a few times with her craft beer friends—as she refers to them—and by the time they’re done taking pictures of their beers, they have to be room temperature. It’s wild."

Despite her loved ones' skepticism, Hudson remains steadfast in her belief that drinking craft beer qualifies as a real hobby.

"I don't see why it's any different than people who collect stamps or go birdwatching," she said. “At first it was just something to do with friends on the weekend, but now I’m planning to take my drinking more seriously.”

However, Hudson's boyfriend, Christopher, is less than thrilled with her new habits.

“She’s always dragging me to these places where everyone stands around and talks about what breweries they’ve been to, which ones are overrated, underrated, or whatever,” he said. “They describe the beers they’re drinking with the most pretentious terms. What the heck does drupaceous even mean?” he asked. “Then they pass their beers around until everyone’s had a drink—from the same glass. It’s repulsive.”

Hudson's mother, Linda, is also concerned about her daughter's newfound interest.

“She told me last week she was going to start a blog. That’s when I knew it was a severe problem,” Linda said. “It sounds like an elaborate excuse to drink beer and make it seem normal. It’s not normal.”

TOPPENISH, WA—Wampus Hill, a winery in the Rattlesnake Hills region, is taking legal action against a local cat lady, claiming her odor is infringing on the unique aroma of one of their wines.

“Our winery has a distinct terroir that generates exceptional aromas in Purrfect, our signature Sauvignon Blanc. We’ve poured our lives into our vineyard and we will not stand idle as someone else profits from that tireless effort,” said a winery spokesperson.

While copyright protections for audio and visuals exist, scents and tastes have not yet received the same protection. The food and beverage industry is searching for a landmark case to establish aromatic case law, and Wampus Hill hopes to become the “shoulders that future vineyards can stand upon.”

“Wineries have been far too passive in protecting their intellectual property. It’s time for us to make a stand and pounce on this opportunity. We won’t stop until the courts recognize that this aroma—feline urine in conjunction with toasted acacia—is uniquely ours,” the spokesperson continued.

According to court documents, the winery is seeking damages for lost profits, as well as an injunction to prevent the cat lady from using her aroma in ways that may cause confusion with Purrfect, their award-winning Sauvignon Blanc. The cat lady in question has not been identified and could not be reached for comment. Sources close to her indicate that she’s outraged by the claims and plans to represent herself in the lawsuit.

Following the spokesperson’s statement, workers from Wampus Hill were on hand to deliver tastings to all reporters present, which included hints at future litigation. Besides cat piss, there were aromas of wet dog, sweaty socks, and baby diaper—odors the winery claims are valid and desired in wines across the globe.

SOLANA BEACH, CA—In an effort to position themselves at the apex of the healthy beer craze, a brewery in southern California has crafted a beer they claim is nearly indistinguishable from water. “This is a watershed moment for craft beer,” said Lark Kensington, co-founder of Quintessence Brewing when asked about the impact of their latest beer on the industry, “Our customers are more concerned about what they put in their body than ever before. Many breweries are releasing gluten-free, gluten-reduced, or non-alcoholic beers. A beer that looks and tastes like water was the logical next step.”

The beer, Crystal Pils, begins like any other beer. “Our mashing and lautering process kicks things off with a low-sugar wort. Once it’s boiled, it’s fermented with a yeast strain suited for low alcohol production. It’s then steam distilled to remove the remaining alcohol and other impurities. We finish with a proprietary method of reverse osmosis and reverse ice distillation that results in a beer that has no calories, no gluten, no sugar, no color, and—most importantly—no flavor,” said Kensington.

“This is the perfect hydration beverage, besides water,” said Jackson LaFluer, Quintessence’s head brewer. “We’re chasing a partnership with Nalgene for special to-go options, we’re going to be the featured beverage of the Carlsbad 5000, and we’ve got an upcoming collab with Topo Chico. The taste and aroma is exactly like their mineral water, it’s insane.”

Crystal Pils can be found at Quintessence’s Solana Beach taproom. It’s recommended that customers try the brew on ice with a wedge of lemon. It’s available in packs of 12, 24, or 48 clear plastic bottles and on draft for 8 dollars a pint.

BURLINGTON, VT—A local brewery announced the launch of a new beer on Sunday, Panacea Pilsner, which they claim cures any ailment, disease, or malady with the exception of regret. “It’s taken a lot of work and a ton of late nights to stumble on this formulation. It’s an exciting moment for me as a brewer and for humanity as a whole. I only regret that I couldn’t figure it out sooner,” said Joseph Sangrove, recently divorced owner and head brewer of Octiron Libations, adding that he “could’ve really saved my marriage if I found this recipe a few months ago.”

While not officially recognized by the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it’s estimated that every adult in the United States suffers from some form of regret. “I was excited! I knew Joseph has been working on something crazy. It’s a shame it won’t take away the feelings I have about not taking that job in Denver, but my shin splints have disappeared,” said Stacy Wisenhunt, a regular at Octiron.

During a visit to the taproom hours before launch, workers were seen hanging signs reading “Panacea Pilsner: It Cures All That Ales Ya” above disclaimers stating the disease curing effectiveness of the beer are not guaranteed and not a replacement for professional medical advice. Critics claim that Sangrove is a selling modern day snake oil in an effort to turn his failed marriage into something worthwhile. As of this writing, Sangrove wistfully denies these claims.

TEMPE, AZ—A local craft brewery is making waves in the beer world with its latest offering: a "farm-to-pint" ale made with 100% authentic sweat and tears.

According to the brewery's founder, Chad Sleighton, the beer is a true labor of love, handcrafted using only the finest, artisanal sweat and tears from the brewery's dedicated team of brewers.

"Our team works tirelessly to brew the perfect beer, and we wanted to capture the essence of that hard work and dedication in a bottle," said Sleighton. "By using our own sweat and tears in the brewing process, we're taking the authenticity of craft beer to a new level."

The beer, named "Sweat Equity Ale," has gained a cult following among local craft beer enthusiasts, who laud its unique “salty, musky” flavor profile and "earthy, sweat-drenched aroma."

"It's not a typical craft beer, and that's what makes it so special," said local beer aficionado, Kyle Thompson. "You can really taste the blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this brew."

Critics have expressed concern over the sanitary conditions of using human bodily fluids in the brewing process, but Sleighton assures customers that the brewery adheres to strict hygiene and safety standards.

"We take the health and safety of our customers very seriously and we would never put anyone at risk by using unsanitary practices," he said. "Our sweat and tears are collected in a sterile environment and thoroughly tested to ensure their purity."

This article idea and content were generated by ChatGPT and edited by a human being. The experiment was driven from an attempt to use the chatbot to generate article ideas. This particular result was interesting—and hilarious—enough that it felt worthy to share.

NEW PRAGUE, MN—Frustrated by years of embarrassment, friends and family of Taylor Sheer, 32, reported Tuesday that he attempts ordering the same light lager at every restaurant he goes to even when he knows they don’t serve it. “We’ve been going to the Fishtale for over a decade and he asks for a Busch Light every time. It’s gotten so bad that the wait staff actively avoid our table,” said Marshall Dvorak, 36, and cousin of Taylor.

When asked why he continues to order Busch Light when he knows they don’t sell it, Taylor said, “If I keep ordering it they will see the demand and start to sell it. It’s basic economics.” Ashley Robbins, 30, a waitress who’s had frequent interactions with Taylor over the years was asked her opinion, “The interesting thing is that he seems to think there’s a chance we’d change—but that would require us to care about the difference between those beers. I want to just tell him that we have Busch Light now so he’ll stop asking. He won’t know the difference anyway.”

LAKEVILLE, MN–Area resident Landon Freed refuses to stop pointing out dirty glasses, a habit that is straining his relationships and causing annoyance at nearly every establishment he visits. “It’s like these people have never taken a Certified Beer Server course,” Freed told reporters Monday while waiting for his cheesy tater tot appetizer at his favorite local restaurant that “usually cleans it’s glasses pretty well.”

“I don’t remember the last time we went somewhere that he didn’t make a comment about his dirty glass” said Michael Stevens, a friend of Freed. “He’s explained it to me so many times before that I just ignore him now, I guess it has to do with bubbles in the glass, but he also complains when his beer is flat so I am not sure what he’s looking for. I know he’s unhappy he didn’t get a promotion at work, that’s probably what’s going on.”

When asked how he knows a beer glass is dirty, Freed blathers on about “head retention,” “lacing effect,” “minor impurities,” “effervescent cascade,” and “pleasing mouthfeel.” According to Jonathon Harmon, a friend and coworker of Freed’s at a local software company, Green doesn’t seem to have any hobbies outside of scrolling through Facebook groups and posting comments on every dirty glass he finds. “It’s become somewhat of an identity for him. The way he talks about it almost seems like there is some sort of club devoted to this. I’m worried about him.”

BERKELEY, CA–Researchers have found that people exiting the coffee shop are the most annoying on the planet. "Looking at them leaves me irritated and—frankly—a little pissed off. After an extensive study it appears I'm right," said Richard Feldmann, co-author of the study and professor of Economics at the University of California Berkeley.

"The ones with the massive sunglasses get me the most, their little hair flip when putting them on and that indignant scowl as they get in their car," said Charlotte Cosgrove a 20-year-old undergraduate student involved in the study. "There are outliers, but our revelation was the discovery of four main categories of annoying people exiting the coffee shop. There are the self-important assholes with a main character syndrome, exhausted people with a worrying dependance on caffeine, young kids that have no clue how hard the world is, and those folks that just shouldn't be that cheery," said co-author and 25-year-old graduate student Ryan Fitzpatrick adding that the people on their phone with it wedged between their shoulder and ear the entire visit are a particularly annoying sub-variant of the self-important asshole.

Other types of people the study found were particularly annoying were the morons listening to music without headphones, idiots that can’t figure out the self-checkout, jerks that should not be on the phone right now, and children.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—After five years of visiting craft breweries every weekend and many weekdays, Ellen Hollman, account manager for a major beverage distributor, took her remaining two days of PTO to visit the last seven on her list.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. It feels like the right thing to do," said Hollman, 32, "A lot of the places I forget about, abnd some don't allow dogs which means I can't take Nugget," she said while patting her 2-year-old Mini Golden Ausiedoodle on the head. "I'll have to take her to doggy daycare," Hollman added.

When asked what she's going to do for the remainder of the year, Hollman responded, "I'll really miss my family during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but there are a few seasonal releases that sound good this year. That'll be nice."

LAKE MILLS, IA—August "Gus" Johnson, a local insurance adjuster, is a simple man that doesn't drink anything fancy, the 32-year-old reported Monday while inspecting his 2022 Silverado 1500 High Country Edition. "I don't get all this craft stuff," said Johnson while admiring his truck's Iridescent Pearl Tricoat. "Why would I spend $8 for a beer when I could have a 12-pack of bullets for $20."

Johnson's friends confirm he refuses to go to anywhere that doesn't serve "real beer" as he puts it. "Gus is a great friend, I just wish he'd come out with us to a brewery," said close friend Steve Larson. "He's the only one with a vehicle big enough to fit all of us."

"A couple of times a year I'll have a craft beer, like a Blue Moon, but that's about it," Johnson said while stepping from his power-retractable assist steps into his premium bucket seats. "If it ain't broke don't fix it, I'm an easy guy to please."

DULUTH, MN—Sources from yesterday's All Pints North festival say they heard a small group of obnoxious beer snobs being really annoying when describing their beer. Quincy Jeffs, a 32-year-old software developer, told reporters "They were standing in front of me taking selfies when I heard someone say 'jelly forward', I couldn't believe it." The local festival was attended by over 500 people, most of whom seem to have crossed paths with the group.

"I was standing next to them in line and they were so obnoxious, saying words I've never heard before like drupaceous and attenuated. I heard them talk about that jelly beer too, they wouldn't shut up about it," said first time festival-goer Amanda Booker. Though not confirmed, the beer in question is reported to have been the Double Jelly Vibes Pastry Sour from Dangerous Man Brewing Company.

PORTLAND, OR—Lamenting the disappearance of traditional beer styles the last few years, local man Jordan Bradshore has really been into Pale Ales lately, sources confirmed on Saturday. "Yeah, everything is so trendy these days that I've been trying to get back to my roots," said Bradshore, stressing that a hazy Pale Ale doesn't count in his book.

While celebrating at his self-organized 27th birthday party at his favorite craft brewery, the man was overheard saying to his friends "As I get older, the high alcohol is really starting to affect me in the mornings. All those adjuncts can't be good for me either." At press time, Bradford was seen with a Pale Ale interrupting a couple to tell them that "beer should taste like beer, ya know?"